The Resume of Life

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with the idea of failure. It's probably not a concept most people handle "well" to begin with, but the list of things that you just didn't talk about seemed to grow as I got older. To preface this, it was not because of my parents that I felt I couldn't admit when things didn't go as I had planned, but I do hold myself to very high standards because of their level of achievement!
Think about writing a resume for a job - what do you list?! Your achievements! It's very easy to take the same approach to the highlight reel of your life - you only list the good stuff. But the past few years have proven to be a roller coaster of progress, and if I choose to only talk about life during a highlight...well I'm not sure I would have made it to the next highlight or thought I had much to say!
The fact is, life happens. Sounds easy right? You hear it all the time - you even expect things to not go perfectly well all the time - but do you address the moments that test you with as much joy as the "easy times"? Probably not - it's not "normal" - we are an achievement driven society and can tend to think that if we didn't "win", then we fail. Then I heard this quote:

This fell hand in hand for me with Dablet telling me "I'm happy because I want to be happy"! Then, instinctively, I resisted...."but what about the saying 'half the battle is knowing when to quit'"?! Is it really quitting? or is it simply changing direction? Are you totally stopping the path you were on? or choosing to focus on something else in your path to get you to your desired goal?

I am becoming a much happier person by choosing to acknowledge and ::gasp:: talk about my "failures" and bumps in the road! While I feared it would cause me to lose the respect and admiration of others - it has done the opposite AND made me realize that the importance of that external admiration is a false ideal.

Kyle and I are both in 100% commission based careers - which can be stressful - or it can be absolutely amazing! I felt as though I had an "off year" (more like past 15 months) but the reality is I made a different choice. I focused on the blessing that is our sweet Luke (after processing through three miscarriages) and the *glorious* pregnancy process.....absolute total sarcasm there.....but he was worth every bit of it!

What are you defining as a failure and keeping behind closed doors?! Why live with that false negativity!! Wake up every morning and do like Dablet does - be HAPPY because you want to be!! It is the entire journey that molds us into who we are - embrace the ride!

until next time...

The Final Farewell

Today was (finally) the day we officially closed on our house in Durham - as in papers signed and it's sold! It's a happy occasion because it means we are one step closer to the next chapter of life with our family, and one step closer to just about every personal goal we have been working towards - but it felt odd.
Every time I have been in that house recently over the last few months it hasn't felt like "our house". It's been empty, shown empty, and we've known it was sold for a while now. But every time I went, I knew deep down that there would be one more thing that I forgot to touch up, repair, or what have you. Now that I think about it, even though I sporadically complained under my breath that there was always something else, part of me enjoyed knowing I would get to go back one more time.

So many wonderful memories happened in that house. It was our first house together right after we got married:

Cliche - but fabulous!

It's where we started our family and where we brought Dablet home:

That house was so full of happiness for us as a family, but it also carried many tough life lessons. No matter how you look at it, I will never forget that house. When I walked out today after the final walk though to make sure I had all things checked off my mom asked me "any regrets?". I said, "no, no regrets - we're one step closer to so much more" and I meant it. I was even fine though signing a flurry of papers, meeting the buyers and feeling thrilled that they would have so many of the same fabulous milestones that we had with their new baby in that house. Once I got in the car I became inexplicably emotional - I wish I could blame pregnancy hormones, but I don't think that covers all of it. 

It truly was no longer our home - even though we haven't lived there in months. I felt like I had to turn over the spaces in the house to someone else. Where we had the blow up bed before we moved all our furniture in, the loft where Kyle and I would watch movies before we were parents and have at home date nights, the spot the rocker lived where I took so many naps with Dablet, the countless family dinners made in the kitchen, the Christmas tree corner, the playroom, the spot behind the couch where Dablet first crawled, even where I was sitting when I realized I had miscarried each time. 

For a while it was hard for me to realize that I was turning over space and that was all. I wasn't turning over memories; I wasn't turning over emotions. Whenever you leave a home, no matter if you loved or hated the space, there will be emotion because it has been your home. It has sheltered your family and provided for you, but you get to take that with you. When you move you change homes but what makes that space a home for the years you live there goes with you - your family. I am so blessed to have an amazing family that makes emotional ties to places so strong! I say thank you to everyone who spent time with us in that home, and cannot wait for all of the new memories to come in our next home especially bringing home our baby boy and seeing Dablet grow into a fabulous big sister!

Joy for Today

I thought about what to call this post because Joy is something we all aim to have for more than a day, but to have it for a long period of time we have to choose it each and every day. When you wake up in the morning, what do you do? Are you consciously waking up choosing to be happy? Are you falling asleep full of angst? Do you think that the events of your day are destined no matter what, or fueled by the state of mind you bring to each day?
It's a hard concept to accept responsibility for your life! Even harder to accept responsibility for your state of mind. Long ago (at least 10 years!) I had a conversation with my mom that ended a bit like this:
Me:  "Why do you have to make me feel so GUILTY?!"
Mom:  "I can't make you feel anything - that's not me, that's you"
I was FURIOUS!! Of course our parents can make us feel guilty, can't they? The idea that we are all individually in control of our emotional reactions to things has stuck with me over the years. It has bugged me, and empowered me. However, it wasn't until this past weekend that I felt like I could really DO something with it!
Wake up each and EVERY morning and CHOOSE JOY! Throughout your day use a simple analysis of your situations - Is what I'm doing bringing me Joy or closer to my goal? If it's not - Change it QUICKLY! Of course, we all find ourselves in situations that we don't find joy in. It might be the long line at the drive up ATM, paying bills, washing dishes, or even picking up your dog's "business" from the back yard. But what do each of those things mean? You have money to deposit, utilities you can keep on, food on your plate to make it dirty, and a life you are taking care of.
I tucked Dablet in last night (one of the several times because she kept getting up!) and it was freezing outside. I was in the small bedroom sitting there thinking, "I would live in this one little room with her and Kyle forever and be happy because we have a roof over our heads, heat in our space, and everything we could possibly NEED, we have each other!"
Our lives have been so full of pain and stress over the past year with our miscarriages, family illness, and absolutely normal chaos (including moving the weekend after Thanksgiving reducing our home size by more than 50%). I have often caught myself thinking "can this all please just stop - we have SO much going on!" But today I choose JOY - to find happiness in the piles of clothes that have to be put away because we have them! When there seems to be more month than money - I choose to find JOY that I will be pushed to touch more lives and make a difference with my leadership role in Mary Kay!
You mind is a powerful tool, and if you allow others (or even your circumstances) to impact you constantly to the point of distress, you are giving them WAY too much control and power in your life! I can only imagine the success and blessings we will receive because we choose JOY!
Today was very much a Joyful day already as we picked up our second FREE car from Mary Kay this year - my first year in business!

To be able to do this while keeping my priorities right and spending an abundance of hands on time with my family is more than enough to fuel the joy moving forward! Anything you want to achieve you can because you decide to!!
Until Next Time...