The Hormonal Truth

At a recent doctor's visit for this pregnancy (now almost 16 weeks along!) my doctor and I were chatting about the differences between first and second pregnancies. I should probably preface this by saying that my main OB is male, something I was TOTALLY skeptical about in the beginning, but I will be scheduling this repeat c-section based entirely on his schedule in the operating room. While he may have never birthed a child, he has NEVER made me feel crazy or dismissed any of my questions. So the conversation that ensued I totally bought into without ever thinking "ya, but this guy has never experienced anything I'm talking about so how would he get it?!"
The short of it is most mamas-to-be don't really read pregnancy books with subsequent pregnancies. Even if they did, there isn't a ton out there that talks about things to expect during subsequent pregnancies except the age old "you'll start showing sooner" mantra. Maybe it's not true for everyone, but what else comes along with the showing sooner is earlier more severe round ligament pain, earlier/more back pain, even more exhaustion (why?! because you have at least one other small being running around this time), and for most the sheer bliss of first time expectancy has flown out the window. You KNOW (unless you were super lucky and absolutely LOVED being pregnant every second the first time) that pregnancy is NOT a cake walk or remotely glamorous. And with that knowledge can sometimes come fear. You've been through a delivery before, and realize that no matter how many of them you will go through, you'll still never know what to expect!
We talked about that too. About how during my c-section with Abby I had the mother of all anxiety attacks and wanted to bolt off the table - paying no mind to the fact that that would have been physically impossible. We talked about why it happened, that I'm not alone, and that there are ways we can try to work around it this time! We talked about me considering getting my tubes tied...yes...at 27 years old I am legitimately considering this. Why?! BECAUSE! I LOVE children. I would have a huge houseful of them. I have miserable early (if not entire) pregnancies.
This beautiful little fact was something I didn't even realize until this pregnancy. If you had asked me after my pregnancy with Dablet how it was, I would have said "fine! no issues!" HUH?!?! Let's reflect - severe nausea and vomiting the entire pregnancy, migraines, two early labor scares, choking acid reflux, almost two weeks of early labor contractions every two minutes for intervals of hours on end with no progress...sounds like a day at the spa! But I was BLISSFUL, and honestly I am convinced that your body produces something as soon as that little bit is born causing amnesia so you continue to procreate.
And yet, my dearest friends still have to dig deep to ask me how I REALLY am this time, why? Because there is that "I'm not sure what to do with these frustrated woe is me feelings because I should only feel blessed" gray area that comes after having a miscarriage let alone multiple miscarriages.
Here's the truth - it's 40 weeks of unpredictable chaotic hormone filled physically draining exhausting wonder, during which time you literally lose your mind. Pregnancy brain is a legitimate thing people! There is NO reason to feel guilty for not feeling good, wanting the pain/nausea/exhaustion to go away. None of those feelings discredit the recognition that life is a blessing, and because this is something we wanted so badly we are lucky to be experiencing it. It's kind of like the ultimate fear factor - every crazy mind-boggling task you go through to get the prize is so entirely worth it, but it doesn't mean you can't gag when you see some of the things you go through!
So here's to hormones and embracing whatever is about to happen next!

Life's Next

The last time I wrote here I shared about our struggle with miscarriages and some of the testing we were going through. I also said I would keep the loop open during our journey for a take home baby #2, we were going to try a clomid cycle and were waiting for the "right" time mentally, emotionally, and physically to start trying again. Then the fear set in - it honestly became scary to share that part because what if it didn't work? what if it did, but we weren't ready to share the news yet? I have always loved my blog and writing this way, but I found myself more afraid and wanting to be more secretive than I expected. Life happened!
As it turns out...we didn't need medication, we received a blessing. And here it is:

(insert crazy freak out moment continuation!!)
We're almost out of our first trimester and it's been a wild ride so far! Hyperemesis gravidarum (severe nausea and vomiting), a diagnosed subchorionic hemorrhage that was re-diagnosed today as a placental lake - essentially a pool of moving blood in the placenta, not a concern like our original diagnosis was as long as my placenta keeps moving up!
What's next? A little bit more breathing room as we exit our first trimester with a baby who looks like he or she is developing beautifully - and a new living arrangement that extends beyond the addition of a new family member!
We are working on a multi-generational building project with my mom and because of the change in life this blog will be getting a new home over the next few weeks to "Life's Next". Whatever the "next" may be, I'm not sure because there are too many of them!
Cheers to new life phases!

Getting Back on the Page

When I started this blog "back in the day" it was an outlet for a working mom with somewhat aimless creativity to bring moments of pure bliss to an otherwise ordinary life. Then, life happened!
My prolonged absences are due to the mismatch of life as I know it now and what I was setting out to create with life and "Dabble In Chic" - how could I write about it if it didn't fit?! Well that's simple; the same way I always wrote: honestly.  Let's face it, life is never ultimately what we think we can create it to be, but that doesn't mean we need to totally recreate the wrapper we want to put it in.
So what are we dabbling in now? Well, Dablet just turned 2, I just had a birthday, and we put our house on the market! Want to check it out? Click HERE!
Things are full swing with Mary Kay, just earned our second free car in 5 months, and sights are set on the Pink Caddy....but none of that is really on the full frontal radar. My inability to get back to the blog stems from my life as a mom, and redefining my place in the realm of pregnancy experience. Simply put - since the beginning of this year, we have had 3 miscarriages. My blog has always been a place for me to share life, passion, and fun things going on because I loved being able to focus on my life as a "stay at home working mom" - but through all of that it has been hard to come back to center and get past the "I should be x months pregnant right now" feeling.
Loss is something that is unfortunately not a unique experience. We were blessed in a way, because we were provided answers clearly pointing to the "why" these things happened. That's not a blessing provided to everyone who goes through a loss, so for that I am thankful. I used to wonder what to say to someone who had experienced a miscarriage, and there really isn't anything "right". I have a beautiful amazing little girl who lights up my life! So many don't have that when they go through loss. What I finally realized (through counseling that was vital!) is that I spent several months out of this year angry, and I didn't know why - then it hit me. My innocence had been stripped away. I was blissfully ignorant when I was pregnant with Abby! We told people we were expecting just about as soon as that second pink line popped up on the stick! My pregnancy with her was from from perfect - but she was perfectly healthy and is thriving. The untouchable feeling is something that quickly escapes you when looking towards trying to get pregnant again after a loss. It is hard to ever feel peaceful because of experience.
Three things are playing factors in my miscarriages - 1) MTHFR Mutation 2) Increased Anti-cardiolipin antibody 3) low progesterone. Crazy words right? What's crazier - these things don't just "pop up" (especially the genetics!) and were pre-existing to Dablet! She's even more of a miracle. On top of that, there is a pretty straight forward work around for each - and when we're ready we can try again with a little help!
I felt it necessary to share how my perspective has changed, and how it might affect how I find my chic moments and mommy moments moving forward - there will be talk of our journey to bring home our baby #2! We all have a need to bring Chic to life, no matter what we may be going through!
Here's to getting back in the saddle, back on the blog, and back in a mandatory moment of chic for each part of life! I hope you'll tag along!